Rooted in Your True Self

Paul's  Story

Anxiety started for me when I was about 15 years old. I appeared to be a confident young man. I smiled and fit right in. What others didn’t know is that I was terrified and worried about having panic attacks and looking foolish in front of others. One symptom of my panic attacks was profuse sweating. In social situations, I was fearful of saying the wrong thing or of being the center of attention. At the time, I didn’t know I had anxiety with panic attacks. I thought I was going crazy. It was nearly impossible to avoid the social situations that caused me to have these panic attacks. I had to go to school and school was the most anxiety- ridden place for me.

It’s not that I hated school-I loved going to school and being with my friends. But I was having constant obsessive and irrational thoughts about when or whether I’d have a panic attack and embarrass myself with all the profuse sweating. I was in constant fear of being exposed. What if someone noticed I was sweating so much? That became my biggest fear. It was terrifying and it drastically limited my life, though I hid it pretty well. When a panic attack happened, I’d ask to go to the bathroom and stay there until it was over. I constantly had to plan and think of a way out. When I wasn’t in school, I’d leave wherever I was. It didn’t matter where I was- I’d just leave. But this added to my worry. Not only did I worry about if someone noticed if I was sweating, then I’d worry that they’d notice I was leaving somewhere all the time. The “what ifs” were obsessive for me.

My social anxiety got worse as I got older. I realized that anytime I was stuck or trapped in a situation, my heart rate would go up and bam, I’d have a panic attack. Before I went anywhere, I’d have to come up with an exit strategy and create a plan to be able to leave as smoothly as possible without anyone noticing. I missed out on a lot by leaving early. If I’d already experienced a panic attack somewhere, I’d avoid that place because in my mind the place had caused the panic attack. If there were no way to get out of the situation, I’d use any excuse to get out of going somewhere. By the time I was eighteen, I’d stopped going to church and avoided any social situations I could. By the grace of God, if it weren’t for me being a gifted baseball player, I probably wouldn’t have gone to college and I would’ve become a recluse.

I got through my baseball playing years in college by sleeping and binge drinking. I hardly attended my classes and nearly failed out of school in my first semester. I’d learned in my senior year of high school that alcohol could get me through social situations. Little did I know it actually made the anxiety worse and facilitated mental depression. This caused me to want to sleep more. Sleep was fine. It was my escape and distraction from the constant state of anxiety and now the depression I was in, and the constant irrational and obsessive thinking of all the “what ifs” that were happening. My irrational obsessive thinking about all the “what ifs” caused me constant anxiety attacks which led to frequent panic attacks. I was literally under attack from all the obsessive irrational thoughts. This also caused constant physical symptoms while I was awake. From the moment I woke up until the moment I escaped into sleep, I had a rapid heart rate, an anxious stomach, (some refer to it as “butterflies” in your stomach), irritable bowels, sweatiness (especially in my palms and forehead), and tension in my neck and shoulders. This also caused me to be unable to focus. I couldn’t retain what I read. Today, I would’ve been diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit disorder). Many of my clients are misdiagnosed with ADHD instead of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I was trapped in my own head. Trapped by all the obsessive irrational thoughts. This state of being in a constant anxiety attack caused me to miss out on a lot. I became dependent on others to make me feel secure. I was dependent on certain people and places to make me feel safe-my parents, a few close friends, and the home I grew up in. My parents and friends had no idea I was suffering. I ended up moving home after my sophomore year in college because I came down with a case of mononucleosis which made me miss a whole semester of school. I didn’t mind at all. It landed me right back to my safe place and safe people-my home and my parents. In retrospect, my immune system was probably compromised by the constant worrying and depression which led to the mono.

I had no confidence except when I was around family. I had no idea who I was, except as a baseball player hoping to make the major leagues. I excelled on the baseball field which led to the possibility of getting drafted to the professional level after my junior college baseball season. My coach was told by a professional scout from the Los Angeles Dodgers, that I was going to get the call. The professional baseball draft is held in June. I was happy for a while and on a high with anticipation of leaving everything behind to pursue a professional baseball career. But I did not get the call. I was dumbfounded and became even more depressed. Still debilitated by anxiety and depression, I was still hopeful that if I had another good season in my senior and final year of baseball, I would make it to the pro level and be anxiety-free. I had this illusion that by becoming a professional baseball player, I’d be anxiety- free, and all my internal struggles would go away. After the letdown of not getting called in the June draft that same summer, I continued to drink and not train as hard. That I believe caused me to have a mediocre senior year baseball season. I never made it to the professional level despite having a closed tryout with the Toronto Blue Jays organization.

This huge let down led me to sleep away two weeks on my parent’s living room couch, more depressed and anxious than ever. I was terrified that I didn’t know who I was, and I wondered what I’d now do with my life. My identity as a baseball player was gone. I ended up quitting the game I loved. The game that gave me value and worth. I now had nothing that gave me a sense of value and worth. I didn’t know who I was. I saw myself as a failure, a loser. Thankfully the thought of suicide never entered my mind-I believe it was because of the constant unconditional love and support provided by my parents. And also, the foundation of faith they raised me in, with the belief that God would always lead me, and would never abandon me. I had my doubts at that time and I avoided church because of my doubts and mostly because of my anxiety. I felt especially trapped in church because I’d always have panic attacks when I attended. Thankfully my mother insisted I talk to a therapist. She ended up making the appointment for me. I’m forever grateful for her. In retrospect, I realize that it was my faith that gave me the strength to get the help I needed.

I didn’t know I had anxiety until my therapist educated me on the symptoms and nature of the condition. She assured me it was something I could manage. Fortunately, I was never steered in the direction of being medicated. I’ve had hundreds of clients who have been told that medication is the only way to feel in control and the only way to live a “normal” life with anxiety. This isn’t so and couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ll discuss this more later. My therapist’s style was a traditional, cognitive behavioral approach as well as faith-based. She helped me identify and be more aware of my negative thinking and helped me to approach anxiety-provoking and panic attack-inducing situations differently. I attended weekly sessions for almost two years. I was committed to the process. After each session I felt stronger and more optimistic. The daily general anxiety became less intense. The panic attacks were less frequent. I began to see I could do more without being trapped in my own thoughts by anxiety. I began to feel empowered and less worried of how others perceived me. I was able to identify who I was and started to realize I had potential. I was starting to feel more hopeful and less fearful. Two key aspects of being “Strongly Rooted” are hope and love. I was feeling more hope and love. I was hopeful that I could have a life free from anxiety, and I was beginning to love myself. In time, I made a shift from being externally love-motivated to internally love- motivated.

When we seek love outside ourselves. I call this “external love motivation” vs. “internal love motivation.”, which is driven by our level of worth and self-love. If our self-love is relatively high, there’s no need to pursue it externally. Then we’re in a place of inner security and feel internally strong and rooted. There’s no room for fear. When our worth and self-love are low, we are outwardly love- motivated, basing our self-love and worth on everything outside ourselves. is a false sense of self-love. Those who are externally love-motivated are constantly chasing happiness, measuring their worth on achievements, “likes” in social media platforms, living in a conditional love for themselves and others, feel inferior and can be dependent and co-dependent. Distracting themselves from their feelings is easy. They’re living in fear and fear is controlling their life.

When I was externally love-motivated, my self-worth was based on my success as a baseball player. When I didn’t achieve my goal of becoming a professional baseball player, I was now self-conscious of how others perceived me. I became a pleaser, seeking approval from others. I had to appear a certain way and felt I had to be perfect. As I went through my own therapy and cognitively restructured my thinking, I began to shift to being internally love-motivated. I was beginning to feel more confident inside. My confidence strengthened when I had the realization that only God can judge me and only God knows my heart. No one has the right to judge me for who I am or how I feel or think. Only God knows who I truly am. This somewhat freed me from the fear of how others perceived me. Traditional cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) was helping me, although it only helped me to feel more in control of the anxiety and helped me to start to build my self-worth. CBT helped to manage the anxiety symptoms, but not overcome and resolve them. As a result of my own therapy and how I felt each time I left the therapist’s office, I made the decision to pursue a career helping others, and I became a psychotherapist.

As a psychotherapist, I realized that CBT can only get you so far. I realized that most therapy, including my own doesn’t include healing and resolving the past. It’s more about education, coping and managing the symptoms. In the introduction to this book, I refer to how life happens and steers us away from living out of our true self. There are root causes to anxiety. It’s the unresolved events unfolding through the course of our life that we go through from birth to our current age.

I developed a model that has helped most of my clients overcome anxiety. It’s a model that’s a spiritual and holistic approach. It’s a model that was put together based on my own healing and journey to seek self-peace and love. It’s a model that heals the past and creates a new neuropathway of thinking. As a result, internal love-motivation happens, self-love happens, and anxiety is eliminated. I’m living proof that you can overcome anxiety and live a life of freedom and not be permanently trapped with the albatross of anxiety around your neck. I am “Strongly Rooted” in faith, hope, and love. Have hope!

About Paul Cartone, LMHC

Founder of Strongly Rooted You

Paul Cartone, LMHC is the founder of Strongly Rooted You™, a counseling and personal transformation platform dedicated to helping people live from their true selves with emotional balance, freedom, and genuine love. He is a licensed psychotherapist (26 years of experience), self-help book writer, and life coach who blends evidence-based techniques with spiritual depth.

I finally feel free from my past and more peaceful every day.

Mia K.

Strongly Rooted You helped me embrace my true self with confidence.

Jon D.

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